Post by Cyrus Rinaldi on Jun 11, 2024 23:03:03 GMT -5
The voiceover of Johnny Gilbert starts the show.
Johnny Gilbert: From the Alex Trebek Stage at Sony Pictures Studios, this is Cyrus Rinaldi Jeopardy!
The Jeopardy theme song plays.
Johnny Gilbert: Today’s contestants:
First, an unemployed, aspiring YouTube star who makes videos of himself reacting to wrestling matches while living in his parents’ basement, Wendell Wiznowski.
A part-time 7-11 clerk who spends all her free time posting hot wrestling takes on X for her 10 followers, Janine Cruller.
And finally, a public relations specialist who, despite having a stable, high-paying job, can’t get a girl because away from the office, he’s still a geeky wrestling fan who hosts a sub-par wrestling podcast, Jason Solomon.
And here is your host, the TWN Champion, Cyrus Rinaldi!
Rinaldi appears on stage to applause.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Thanks, Johnny. When are the people that run this show gonna fire your old ass? Anyway, welcome to Cyrus Rinaldi Jeopardy, where all the answers and all the questions are written by yours truly. We’ve got three bottom-feeding wrestling fans here tonight who think they know everything about the sport of kings simply because they watch it all the time and share their unsolicited, good-for-nothing opinions on it. Let’s take a look at our categories.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Jason, you go first.
Jason: I’ll take Idiots for $100.
Cyrus reads the clue.
Wendell buzzes in.
Wendell: Who is Blade LaVigne?
Cyrus: Correct. The only time anyone’s going to thank that idiot is when he retires from wrestling for good. Pick another question.
Wendell: Difficult Last Names for $300.
Wendell buzzes in.
Wendell: What is Kookamunga?
Cyrus Rinaldi: Incorrect.
Janine buzzes in.
Janine: What is Kilimanjaro?
Cyrus Rinaldi: Nope.
Jason buzzes in.
Jason: What is Ketoacidosis?
Cyrus Rinaldi: None of you got it. The correct response is Kughidfbgkjdfghdf. Ah, damn. See? Even I can’t say it correctly. You know what? Just to be fair, I’m going to give you all $300. And as far as you go, Anastasia, get a real freakin’ last name that people can remember. On second thought, it doesn't matter what your last name is because no one will remember you after I'm through with you. Wendell, you still have control of the board.
Wendell: Um, I’ll take Meteorology for $500.
Janine buzzes in.
Janine: Who is Jackson Burnside?
Cyrus Rinaldi: Correct. And why does he call women “Brother” and “Dude”? Is he one of these woke types that believe in gender fluidity?
Janine: I believe in gender fluidity.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Of course you do. Just pick a category.
Janine: I’ll take Bimbos for $200.
Cyrus Rinaldi: That clue is the Daily Double! Since you only have $300, you can wager up to $1,000.
Janine: I’ll wager $500, Cyrus.
Cyrus Rinaldi: I just said you can wager up to…forget it. I forgot that you're a wrestling fan, which means you can't do simple math. Here’s the clue.
Janine: Hey! That’s so misogynistic!
Cyrus Rinaldi: I’m sorry, the correct response was Abby Thomas.
Janine: No, that wasn’t my ans---
Cyrus Rinaldi: Too late, Fatty. You have -$200. I’m picking the next category. People with Colorful Backs for $400.
Janine: What is wrong with you! You know, you keep harassing Abby Thomas week in and week out and I think it’s about time someone in this wrestling community stands up to your toxic masculinity!
Cyrus Rinaldi: Okay, that's enough, AOC. We’re going right to Final Jeopardy. Seeing as you have a negative score, you are not eligible, which is what you were probably told when you tried out for cheerleading in high school. Nobody wants to see a cheerleader with cankles.
Janine runs off the set crying.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Thank God. Now here is the category for Final Jeopardy: People Cyrus Rinaldi Has Beaten. Here’s the clue:
Cyrus Rinaldi: Let’s go to Jason Solomon. He said “Who is Rylee Poverly?” That’s incorrect. While I did kick her ass last week, she’ll be nowhere near the Double Jeopardy Match this Saturday. And you wagered…$300. Well, you lost everything. Remind me never to use you if I ever need a PR person. You’d probably make me look worse.
Jason hangs his head in shame.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Now let’s go to Wendell, who was in the lead. You wrote “Who is Daron Smythe?” That is correct! I dropped Smythe’s bleach blonde dome onto a chair to win the TWN Championship on my first night in UWL, and if he wins Double Jeopardy this Saturday and becomes the UWL World Champion, you know the first person in line for a title shot should be me, Cyrus Rinaldi. And Smythe, if we do happen to meet in the ring again, the result will be the same as it was the first time: I pin you and I walk about with gold around my waist!
Wendell: Um, are you gonna reveal how much I wagered?
Cyrus punches Wendell out.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Don’t interrupt The Champ when he’s cutting a promo! You think I care about your dumb wager?! It’s not like you’ll ever make the money that I make anyway!
He looks back at the camera.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Alright, show’s over! The only winner of this game is me, because unlike Daron Smythe, I’m the real #1, whether it’s in a television studio or in the wrestling ring. And don’t any of you ever forget that!
He pushes the cameraman out of his way as he walks off set and the Jeopardy theme song plays.
Johnny Gilbert: From the Alex Trebek Stage at Sony Pictures Studios, this is Cyrus Rinaldi Jeopardy!
The Jeopardy theme song plays.
Johnny Gilbert: Today’s contestants:
First, an unemployed, aspiring YouTube star who makes videos of himself reacting to wrestling matches while living in his parents’ basement, Wendell Wiznowski.
A part-time 7-11 clerk who spends all her free time posting hot wrestling takes on X for her 10 followers, Janine Cruller.
And finally, a public relations specialist who, despite having a stable, high-paying job, can’t get a girl because away from the office, he’s still a geeky wrestling fan who hosts a sub-par wrestling podcast, Jason Solomon.
And here is your host, the TWN Champion, Cyrus Rinaldi!
Rinaldi appears on stage to applause.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Thanks, Johnny. When are the people that run this show gonna fire your old ass? Anyway, welcome to Cyrus Rinaldi Jeopardy, where all the answers and all the questions are written by yours truly. We’ve got three bottom-feeding wrestling fans here tonight who think they know everything about the sport of kings simply because they watch it all the time and share their unsolicited, good-for-nothing opinions on it. Let’s take a look at our categories.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Jason, you go first.
Jason: I’ll take Idiots for $100.
Cyrus reads the clue.
Wendell buzzes in.
Wendell: Who is Blade LaVigne?
Cyrus: Correct. The only time anyone’s going to thank that idiot is when he retires from wrestling for good. Pick another question.
Wendell: Difficult Last Names for $300.
Wendell buzzes in.
Wendell: What is Kookamunga?
Cyrus Rinaldi: Incorrect.
Janine buzzes in.
Janine: What is Kilimanjaro?
Cyrus Rinaldi: Nope.
Jason buzzes in.
Jason: What is Ketoacidosis?
Cyrus Rinaldi: None of you got it. The correct response is Kughidfbgkjdfghdf. Ah, damn. See? Even I can’t say it correctly. You know what? Just to be fair, I’m going to give you all $300. And as far as you go, Anastasia, get a real freakin’ last name that people can remember. On second thought, it doesn't matter what your last name is because no one will remember you after I'm through with you. Wendell, you still have control of the board.
Wendell: Um, I’ll take Meteorology for $500.
Janine buzzes in.
Janine: Who is Jackson Burnside?
Cyrus Rinaldi: Correct. And why does he call women “Brother” and “Dude”? Is he one of these woke types that believe in gender fluidity?
Janine: I believe in gender fluidity.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Of course you do. Just pick a category.
Janine: I’ll take Bimbos for $200.
Cyrus Rinaldi: That clue is the Daily Double! Since you only have $300, you can wager up to $1,000.
Janine: I’ll wager $500, Cyrus.
Cyrus Rinaldi: I just said you can wager up to…forget it. I forgot that you're a wrestling fan, which means you can't do simple math. Here’s the clue.
Janine: Hey! That’s so misogynistic!
Cyrus Rinaldi: I’m sorry, the correct response was Abby Thomas.
Janine: No, that wasn’t my ans---
Cyrus Rinaldi: Too late, Fatty. You have -$200. I’m picking the next category. People with Colorful Backs for $400.
Janine: What is wrong with you! You know, you keep harassing Abby Thomas week in and week out and I think it’s about time someone in this wrestling community stands up to your toxic masculinity!
Cyrus Rinaldi: Okay, that's enough, AOC. We’re going right to Final Jeopardy. Seeing as you have a negative score, you are not eligible, which is what you were probably told when you tried out for cheerleading in high school. Nobody wants to see a cheerleader with cankles.
Janine runs off the set crying.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Thank God. Now here is the category for Final Jeopardy: People Cyrus Rinaldi Has Beaten. Here’s the clue:
Cyrus Rinaldi: Let’s go to Jason Solomon. He said “Who is Rylee Poverly?” That’s incorrect. While I did kick her ass last week, she’ll be nowhere near the Double Jeopardy Match this Saturday. And you wagered…$300. Well, you lost everything. Remind me never to use you if I ever need a PR person. You’d probably make me look worse.
Jason hangs his head in shame.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Now let’s go to Wendell, who was in the lead. You wrote “Who is Daron Smythe?” That is correct! I dropped Smythe’s bleach blonde dome onto a chair to win the TWN Championship on my first night in UWL, and if he wins Double Jeopardy this Saturday and becomes the UWL World Champion, you know the first person in line for a title shot should be me, Cyrus Rinaldi. And Smythe, if we do happen to meet in the ring again, the result will be the same as it was the first time: I pin you and I walk about with gold around my waist!
Wendell: Um, are you gonna reveal how much I wagered?
Cyrus punches Wendell out.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Don’t interrupt The Champ when he’s cutting a promo! You think I care about your dumb wager?! It’s not like you’ll ever make the money that I make anyway!
He looks back at the camera.
Cyrus Rinaldi: Alright, show’s over! The only winner of this game is me, because unlike Daron Smythe, I’m the real #1, whether it’s in a television studio or in the wrestling ring. And don’t any of you ever forget that!
He pushes the cameraman out of his way as he walks off set and the Jeopardy theme song plays.